I’m a big fan of the late TV Show Ghost Whisperer. I am. I just am. Some of you already know this, because I’ve said it before. I like the show. I think its beautifully lit, beautifully designed in terms of the wardrobe, sets, and hair/makeup. I think its just creepy enough to be fun and just schmaltzy enough to make one roll their eyes. I love the main character’s store, I like her sense of stye and…I like that she talks to ghosts. I also happen to be a huge Jay Mohr fan and he’s hilarious as Dr. Payne. Not to mention, David Conrad is a hottie. Nuff said.
So why am I saying all this?? Because something has been weighing on me for about year and I think the best way to deal with it is just to…well, deal with it.
You all know by now about the thing that happened to me this time last year and the new direction my life has taken because of it. I wont repeat any of that. If you dont know, go ahead and see my site thein-between.com and it’ll fill you in. Well, I’ve been questioning myself since then whether or not whats been happening to me is really happening or if it’s been more a function of my well known overactive imagination and because I like the show. A couple of my close personal friends and even my husband have brought up that same question. But no one questions myself more than myself. I’m always a doubting Thomas. Could my being a fan of the show Ghost Whisperer be causing me to recreate these somewhat similar types of events in my own life? Oh God..gasp..could that even be why I opened my store??????
It keeps me awake at night. And I lie there and try to answer my own questions. And I’ve come up with a few things over the last year. One is that I’ve been fans of other shows/movies/films before ( and am currently actually) and not recreated my entire life to fit it’s image, or made up fabulous events in an effort to become a TV character. I mean, I’m obsessed with George Clooney’s assassin in The American, but I’m not out there trying to move to Italy and become a paid killer. And in actual fact, I was primely positioned to actually be able to BE some of these characters since I was, in fact, an actress. There is no earthly reason why I could not have been cast as Melinda Gordon herself actually, if I’d kept acting. That was the type I typically auditioned for. But I chose to quit acting..preferring my own life to that of others. I chose that…it wasn’t forced on me. And I never looked back, I would not go back to acting now. So, it doesn’t make sense that I’d try to fit my life into some role I enjoyed. Really, it doesn’t.
And I remember that my ex husband, Phil, and I spoke of opening a shop all during the time we were married, Petal’s Pages, it was to be called…Part bookstore, part coffee shop, part new age giftey/antiques store. It’s evolved over the years but the dream was always there. And then, there’s the fact, that I cant fake whats been happening to me. I cant fake those photos of me with orbs and faces on my back, or the conversations I’ve had and have blogged about with those who’ve lost loved ones. I cant fake the facts I’ve known or images I’ve seen, feelings I’ve felt, etc… I cant fake the news stories I’ve read that have confirmed a murder I’ve felt, or a drowning in a location where I couldn’t breathe. I cant fake the Elvis song playing everywhere now when I feel his presence, when I hadn’t heard it for years and years before his death.
And then of course theres the very real fact that *things* have happened to me always. I’ve always heard things others didn’t, seen faces in places where there shouldn’t be, in fact, my entire art career has been built on this. My bio has always stated that I started painting as a way of expessing the things I saw that no ne else did and called me crazy for talking about. People have been coming to me for years when they’ve lost someone to share their grief or have asked me to be there in their place to support a loved one who was dying because they could not bear to be there themselves. And I didn’t just wake up one day and start seeing ghosts. Its happened numerous times, though admittedly not at the level or frequency thats it happened to me in the last year. I remember leaving Australia a full 2 weeks early when Phil and I were there because the house we stayed in there had a negative presence in it. And I remember another night when another face sudddenly showed up on my husband’s face for a few minutes one night during my pregnancy with Rory. Scared the crud out of me. Our loft was very clearly haunted. And I very clearly could see and feel this spirit.
The changes in me that have taken place this last year are not as new as they seem..rather they are the culmination of a lifetime of sensitivity and learning and growing awareness and…preparation that the Universe has bequeathed me with and chosen now to make me focus on. Was the catalyst losing my first love? Yes, I think it was and he remains a driving force behind my desire now to keep strengthening my vocation and to finally take it public. To help others on a broader scale who grieve or who are confused about their own sensitivities. Its only been the last 100 years or so that mankind as a species has begun to really pooh-pooh the idea of there being things, places and beings we can’t see. Before that it was commonly accepted and even expected for people to see, or feel ghosts, fairies, spirits and other supernatural beings. I’m not sure it means we’re more evolved to have given up these beliefs as supserstitious or fanciful notions. I rather think it means we’ve killed magic. And certainly taken away an enormous amount of comfort to some and sanity for others ( poeple like me are now considered nuts, thanks so much…).
So, I’m going to stop questioning whether or not my being a fan of Ghost Whisperer has caused me to create a fantasy life for myself and start remembering that the reason I started watching the show in the first place is because it was so very much like MY LIFE.